To Be Blair
by FrozenandYetNot
Summary: Post 4.16-what I think Blair should feel. Mentions of Chair with Dair interaction


A/N: I hate what the writers keep on doing to Blair. She needed to find some solid self-respect soon. This is just a wishful scene. It involves Dair and mentions of Chair. To make things clear I am and was Chair fan but somehow now I don't want Blair to go back to Chuck until he redeems himself and until then Dair is charming me nicely.

It was strange admitting it to myself and impossible to say aloud but the couch in the Brooklyn loft was comforting and did not seem to be infected. It was surreal to be sitting with Humphrey in Brooklyn eating pizza and actually feeling comforted. Ugh- that is the expression that comes to my mind when I think about it. Or more specifically the expression that I would like to cross my mind just to prove to myself that at least something is still the same. But it isn't-

It seemed like the only bright spot in the horizon that never looked darker. I was a total failure – I never managed to get into Yale and would probably fail at least two courses this semester. I managed a month of working at a fashion magazine, coveting for success and managing to get fired within the same month. To top it I pathetically did it to gain back the infamous Chuck Bass who was once upon a happier time not even worth my notice and now I was enjoying being comforted by the Cabbage Patch.

What happened to Blair Waldorf? Where is the queen who ruled with the iron hand and who got every little thing she ever wanted?

One of the earliest memories I had was of my mother proudly showing me off to her friends. It was my third birthday and all I wanted was to start opening my gifts

"Blair Waldorf-quite a different name wouldn't you say?" someone with a distinct accent pronounced

"It's a name for a queen..." my mother responded

At that moment the world shifted. A plain simple cake and some great gifts were not the only thing I wanted. I was a queen and I needed to show everyone that I was queen. It was in that moment that I quit being Blair and started being Blair Waldorf. It was in that moment that the desire to rule and to be the best became my sole goal. And that is where it all went wrong…Second best to Serena for mother and Nate. Living constantly under the fear of losing the only thing that kept me going –being queen. I forgot to live for happiness. The first time I felt free was when I danced for Chuck at the Victrola. The slightly cracked ceiling of the Humphrey loft blurred in front of my eyes. Chuck made me feel like a queen and that is why I loved him so much and why I kept running back to him. He made me feel cherished and loved and there was so much respect in the way…

I sat up straighter suddenly rigid. The events flashed in front of my eyes and I almost swore. Yes Chuck used to make me feel loved and cherished but that was ages ago. When was the last time I felt loved and not in love. All I remember was the pain- Is it the pain that is called love? The pain of knowing he is capable of loving someone else and cherished her more than me and the pain of knowing that I would always come second to him even if pitted against his damned hotel?

I stood up and raced to the loo. Dan looked up and began in a concerned voice "Blair what is wrong?"

I shake my head and whisper "Loo"

I locked the door and stare into the mirror. Who am I? Blair Waldorf –the girl who spent half her life making herself sick so she could be good enough for her own mother or the girl who stood in shadows and stretching herself thin to save Serena? Or was I the girlfriend who always knew that her childhood sweetheart cherished a burning passion for my best friend but kept on the relationship nevertheless- or the girl who gave everything up to save Chuck Bass who selfishly forgets me at a drop of a hat. Or even sells me for a bloody hotel…

I had an urge to be sick I was so disgusted with myself but I stopped before the urge became over-powering. No- I wouldn't stoop to that. I needed to stop hurting myself in my eternal quest to be queen.

Someone knocked coarsely

"Waldorf ..."

I almost laughed: "I know you are from Brooklyn Humphrey but I thought even you would know not to knock when one is in the washroom"

"Just making sure…"

"What? That I haven't expired from the overdose of the air freshener used in here"

"Uh- I was just...I will pause the movie"

I was actually enjoying the warmth emanating from Dan and his dry sense of humor. He was only person who was looking out for me right now-the only person who had time to wonder if I was sleep-deprived. Freaky Fridayed version of me finds it oddly strange. I smile wondering who had ever looked out for me. Daddy did but he left for Paris and now has time for phone calls and emails. Mother never did. Serena was too busy getting into trouble to ever really look out for me though I appreciated Serena's attempts at saving me. Nate was too tuned out and Chuck- well I couldn't remember the last time he even cared to think of my problems. It was always his needs and his issues…

I sat on the couch.

"Took you long enough... What were you doing – enjoying the luxury?"

"Nope just rediscovering myself"

Dan looked at me intently and began cautiously "Blair..."

"I have always wished for a light blonde shade of hair color but I just realized that my hair is lovely" I said chirpily. He raised his eyebrows and I giggled. He looked almost alarmed

"I have always refrained from giggling as it is unlady-like but its fun"

"I don't remember leaving anything in the washroom that could get you high but..."

"Just shut up and play the movie. Don't fool yourself into believing that this honor would ever be repeated" I said pressing the play button

"An honor, huh? Who are you – the queen?"

My smile widened "No just Blair-but I don't need to be queen to love myself, do I?"


End file.
